Sustained by the King

How happy is anyone who has put his trust in the Lord and has not turned to the proud or to those who run after lies! Lord my God, you have done many things—your wondrous works and your plans for us; none can compare with you. If I were to report and speak of them, they are more than can be told. 
Psalm 40:4-5

The Bible is filled with prayers of petition: David in Psalm 56, the persistent widow in Luke 18, Hannah in 1 Samuel 1. Matthew 7:7-8 says, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.” There are clear, biblical examples of people seeking God with specific requests and beating at the doors of Heaven until they were heard. However, the Bible also commands us to submit to the will of God, to not worry about tomorrow, and to deny ourselves to follow Christ. How do we reconcile praying honestly and vulnerably to a God who answers some desperate prayers with a “yes”, and some with a “not yet” or a “no”?

In the early stages of this season of waiting, I was praying very specifically. I had researched prayers of petition, citing Hannah in 1 Samuel 1 as my inspiration for waiting. In my quiet time, I would fall at the steps of God’s temple, begging for Him to provide until I saw the desire of my heart come to pass. I had faith God could and would come through on this prayer, and was desperate for a sign to keep pressing in. Every time someone told me to pray for God’s will instead of praying for my specific desires, anger rose up in me. Praying for God’s will felt so passive and fake. I didn’t want a vague prayer of God’s will, I wanted to be vulnerable and honest. I wanted to admit that I had a dream and trusted Him with it. I wanted intimacy with my Savior and Provider.

After losing my baby, I stopped asking God for provision. My trust in the Lord was so broken, I believed that if I admitted I wanted something, He would take it away. Ashamed as I am to admit this, I believed prayer was just a way for us to self-soothe and that if it made someone feel better, there was no harm in it. I believed that if I didn’t use the correct language when I prayed, I would jinx it and God would pull the rug out from under me. Prayer made me feel anxious, exposed, and uneasy. I began to hide the longings of my heart like Jonah hiding on a ship at sea, convincing myself that God was a superstitious, supernatural being who was only interested in burning idols and teaching harsh lessons. Keeping my dreams in the dark, locked away from God, starved them of any light or sustenance. So my dreams, like my hope, began to die.

This season has been the first time since losing my baby that I’ve truly allowed myself to dream again. I have dreams now for my future career, family, partner, and home that are wilder than anything I’ve ever longed for. In all His mercy and grace, the Lord has drawn me through this process of waiting with gentleness and love. He moved slowly with me so I could reach a place of authentic alignment with His will. Waiting on the Lord is a process that can lead our hearts to joyful surrender. He doesn’t want a religious performance or a textbook prayer. He doesn’t want duty, he wants faith. Faith is founded on trust in His love—not trust that He does what we want, but trust that He does what we need. As Psalm 40:4-5 celebrates, God has wondrous works and plans for us. “None can compare with you!”

I take joy in doing your will, my God, for your instructions are written on my heart.
Psalm 40:8

In this season of waiting, I’ve flooded my schedule, mind, and ears with the Word of God. When I’m not reading my Bible, I’m listening to worship music, consuming faith-centered podcasts, and reading as many Christian books as I can get my hands on. I’ve steeped myself in truth and hope, and in my searching I’ve found the eyes to see the goodness of God. Not because I’ve gotten what I want, but because I’ve learned that He has all I need. The true nature of His heart for His children is blessing, not correction. He refines us so we can receive and share His love more. He wants us to trust His will because we trust His love.

Where I used to retreat into shame or cowardice in His presence, now I turn to God with my dreams and desires fully open to Him. I’ve learned that I can trust His will, and that my longings are safest in His hands. Though I began seeking Him with a specific desire in my heart, now I seek Him for His presence alone. In His presence, hope is found.

We wait for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. For our hearts rejoice in Him because we trust in His holy name. May your faithful love rest on us, Lord, for we put our hope in you.
Psalm 33:20-22

May we have the courage to be vulnerable with God, to let ourselves dream in His presence, while also having the wisdom to surrender those dreams to His will. Just like Abraham was called to sacrifice Isaac at the altar, we are called to lay our dreams before God and trust that He will use them for what is best.

God has a dream for you that makes your heart come alive. That’s what we need and what the world needs—hearts that are fully alive and aligned in Christ. Until you can pray for His will, pray for your desires. Your vulnerability will grow your faith, and your faith will shift your desires to align with His. As you seek Him more and more, the outcome of your prayers will pale in comparison to the joy of communion with your perfect, precious Savior.

Lord, my earthly thoughts – my fears, my past hurts, and my jadedness – are making me lose hope. It is far easier for me now to give up than to believe what You’ve revealed to me. In the face of my powerless situation, I feel myself putting walls around my heart, choosing to numb and distract myself rather than press deeper into You and boldly ask for what I want. I begged You for Luca, and though now I see Your hand and blessing through that heartbreak, I’m still hesitant to storm Your throne room with my deepest desires. If I believe You love me though, if I believe You’re a good Father, then I must be bold and vulnerable with the desires of my heart. Even as I ask for this, the darkest and most cowardly part of my heart tells me to minimize my dreams, prepare myself for heartbreak, choose apathy as my shield. But I want to dance boldly in Your presence, in your throne room. I don’t want to prepare for eternity by hesitating in a corner. I want to rush Your throne room with faith, eagerness, and joy. I want to light up and run to You when You walk in the room. I will not cower in a corner of Your sanctuary. I will stand front and center, knowing I am wanted, welcome, and safe with you. I trust You above all else, Lord. I will follow You above all, serve You above all, and love You with my whole heart. Anything else that comes is an overflow, for my cup is full with You. Amen.